Ayesha Ashley

Are you a pleasure-seeker or a pain-avoider?

The answer to this question governs the WAY in which you live your life every day!

Do you work to AVOID debt and the miseries of poverty OR do you SEEK work/activities for the pleasure of doing something you enjoy/believe in?

Although I have pursued many lines of inquiry about how we function in life, somehow this most basic—and perhaps definitive—question has not come to my mind often. I now realize that, looking back over my life, I have been a major pain-avoider. That is, I did most things so I would NOT FACE BAD CONSEQUENCES.

There’s nothing wrong with that approach—many-if not most!- people confront life in that way. AND I have not had really bad consequences to face (no terminal illnesses or imprisonment/exile).

The problem with this attitude is that one’s life is lived in FEAR-defensively avoiding risks. If we are truly phobic we can draw the fear to us (‘That which I feared has come upon me.”)

Living ‘defensively’ means being mentally ready to fend off the next blow from capricious life, which is perceived as dangerous and requires us to maintain vigilance lest we be caught up in disaster/pain/debt/whatever crisis we fear.

Many people who were raised in severely abusive families, as I was, recognize this stance as the one we took as children. Pain/abuse was capricious, unpredictable, undeserved and frequent. Usually, there was little warning and no escape from the ‘wrath of God’/ parents.

When this conditioning is present, we often resort to bargaining with life. I know I decided that if I was a REALLY GOOD GIRL, then I could escape the random punishments that were my lot as a child.

Developing integrity is definitely something that everyone in the world needs—it builds character and allows us to be trusted by others.

AND, if this is a quid pro quo—“Look, God, I’ll follow all your rules all the time, so you won’t ever need to punish me” – then we are living with an internal monitor that is rigid and even more unforgiving and unjust than our dysfunctional parents!

Having a harsh judge in your head means that there is no ‘time off for good behavior’. At any moment, you could fall into disgrace and then—watch out!

I realized today that I have indeed been living with such an attitude and indwelling critic all my life—and, frankly, I’m fed up and I’m not willing to live this way any more!

What’s the alternative? Moving TOWARDS what we love or desire.

I’m unaccustomed to asking myself what it is I want to move towards—living in fear takes a lot of energy (making sure all the borders are safe!)!

For the rest of today (the rest of my life??) I will be asking myself every 10 minutes or so, ‘What is it I want right now?’

If it’s something I can do/get, I will MOVE TOWARDS IT—training myself every day to ask myself and to KNOW what I want to move towards…that’s the first step.

I’ll get back to you after I’ve done this for awhile
and tell you what I’ve discovered.

Meanwhile—are you AVOIDING WHAT YOU FEAR or MOVING TOWARDS WHAT YOU DESIRE?

Let’s move towards joy--it’s been waiting for us for a long time!

My current email address is ayesha655@gmail.com.

How would you know? What’s the difference between a bully and someone who has legitimate power over you, like your boss or teacher or parent?

It’s a question of abuse of power—we all have power over someone—think about it. When you are in a restaurant, you have power over your waitperson—they have to please/serve you in order to keep their job/get a tip.

Key question: How do you treat them? Do you boss them around, criticize their service, insist they take the food back all the time, etc? (I’m assuming that the conditions are generally satisfactory and most people would not send things back, etc).

Some people routinely act as if the waiter/waitress is their personal slave….THAT’s being a bully.

It’s almost too easy to abuse power—and we’ve all done it, thank you. I still cringe when I remember times I have bullied people into agreeing with my opinion, so this is not an academic issue for me—it’s a real one.

I try to be alert to such tendencies whenever I’m in an encounter. If we are honest with ourselves, we will notice that we have cowed someone by our position, knowledge or strength at times.

We all manipulate each other by our words and actions in order to get what we want; bullies add a dimension of force to their manipulations. ‘Do this or else…’

We’ve all had experience with bullies—usually in the schoolyard, sometimes with a parent who was a bully, or with a boss who thinks he’s the New Napoleon.

Usually—if you stand up to a bully—and they might hurt you—they will respect you and back off. (If they are truly vicious, I wouldn’t try it—fortunately, the truly ugly, vicious bullies are not a large part of the population. This is no consolation if they’re in your world.)

Here I’m more interested in how I can avoid abusing whatever power I have…. After all, we’re responsible for our words and acts, no? Being a bully is probably the fastest way to earn bad karma and an ugly reputation as a nogoodnik.

The best way I’ve found is to monitor my words and emotions as I’m arguing with/ convincing another person: am I going over the line from persuasive to abusive? Then I need to back off, calm down and moderate my tone/behavior.

As usual, the answer is self-awareness.

A good practice is to keep 50% of your attention on YOURSELF as often as you can. That way, we are not lost in the argument/situation and can make changes before we need to make apologies or have regrets.

How can we keep some attention on ourselves?

BE AWARE OF YOUR BODY—YOUR FEET ON THE FLOOR, YOUR BODY IN THE CHAIR, YOUR BREATHING OR PULSE as well as what is going on outside you.
WHEN WE CENTER, WE ARE HOME AND AWARE.

You are not alone!. About 15% of our population is afflicted with hypersensitivity; if you ‘can’t stand’ sounds that are ‘too loud’, light that is ‘too bright’ and clothing that has irritating labels that scratch your skin, you might be one of us!

You probably dress for comfort, since anything that is tight or scratchy can drive you crazy. Probably you have been criticized for being too fussy and sensitive.

There is a good book called, “Too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight” that explains this syndrome (my apologies to the author of this excellent book if I have forgotten your name—I hope this will be enough information for others to find your book and read it—you opened my eyes and made me understand something I thought I’d just have to live with and be embarrassed about.)

If you are hypersensitive, you will probably be thought of as ‘neurotic’ by your tougher-skinned friends. What’s more important, though, is to recognize that 15% of everyone is a LOT of people—you are NOT alone/neurotic/whatever—you ARE super-aware of the environment around you and if it is loud, glaring, scratchy, tickly or whatever gets your attention, you react to it more than most people… (rap music has its own place in my array of Things to Avoid like the plague because of its loudness and underlying angry vibe).

You will probably need to tell your lover about your sensitivity (although they probably know about it already) and reassure them that it’s not THEM, but your condition that makes you so fussy about your surroundings (music, lighting,softness and how you are touched.)

Patiently explain to them/show them how YOU like to be touched…and reward them when they get it right!

And, no, we don’t need a handy drug from Big Pharma to ‘correct’ this condition—you have probably already created a surrounding environment that works for you. You just need to be OK with yourself—then other people will accept it more readily.

Remember—the world loves us as much as we love ourselves!

If you had to spend your life on a desert island, what books would you take with you? (I’m assuming that TV and your palm pilot are not available/have no service.)

Here’s a list of some of my favorite books for your consideration:

Power versus Force by David R. Hawkins (This book gives you an insight into the vibrational levels of various states of mind so that you can notice where you are vibrationally at any moment–then you can change your state upwards (by Centering or using the Byron Katie 4 questions) so that you are above the 200 level, which is where your life begins to work for you.)

Loving What Is by Byron Katie (An indispensable book that walks you through the four questions that will help you clear out your negative thinking–a must!)
Realities (an ebook available at wwwfieldcenter.org) (Shows you how to align yourself with your ideal self and create a new life–the best tools available right now.)

Any book on the Enneagram by Riso and Hudson (This will open your eyes to your Enneagram type, which will show you the cluster of traits and beliefs you have been using and how to transcend your early programming.)
Siddhartha by Herman Hesse (Hesse’s masterwork about the journey of the Buddha and the story of every Seeker, told in exquisite language. Inspiring.)
The Four Agreements and Beyond Fear both by Miguel Ruiz (Ruiz makes clear what Carlos Castaneda in the 70s made mysterious. Find out at last what ‘Don Juan’ wanted us to know. Very practical.)
The Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle (The voice calling us to Presence.)
Please Understand Me by Keirsey and Bates (Information about the traits you exhibit and the careers and interaction patterns you normally are comfortable in. Very useful for knowing yourself.)
Blink and The Tipping Point both by Malcolm Gladwell (Two excellent books about how trends are set (Tipping Point) and how our intuition can work for us (Blink).)
Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight by Thom Hartmann (An eloquent and compelling argument for using technology wisely and reversing our environmental predicament.)

Anything written by Dave Barry (Laugh and relax!)

It’s not news, it’s FARK by Drew Curtis (Details why you no longer trust the news to give you, well… news.)

Are We Rome? by Cullen Murphy (Beautifully written, literate and well-documented consideration of this question.)

This is the list that came to me today–I’ll add to it/write another post as and when I read another great book–there’s so much good stuff coming out now–we are blessed to live in The Information Age!

Want to live longer, while being happier and healthier? Who doesn’t? Is there any ONE thing we can do to achieve this goal? It turns out that there is! The secret is given in a new book called, ‘Why Good Things Happen To Good People’ by Post and Neimark.

If you have been following the current enthusiasm about the film The Secret, you know that the more you believe in yourself, the more you can achieve in your life. Learning to love and accept yourself fully and holding onto your dreams of achievement frees you to be yourself more gloriously and fully.

So, what’s the REAL secret? If you want to be healthier, happier and longer-lived, you can do it by becoming more generous. Once you love yourself, why not spread the wealth to others? Generosity is about giving—your time, your attention, your skills and knowledge, your compassion and kindness– to others.

Is this just one more fuzzy feelgood New Age theory, filled with hope and short on research? Not at all. Finally, there is respectable research to back up these ideas. Here are some of the results:

“ Giving protects the giver at all ages and stages of life….we have about 500 serious scientific studies that demonstrate the power of unselfish love to enhance health.” (p. 7-8)

“ Giving in high school predicts good physical and mental health all the way into late adulthood, a time interval of over 50 years.”

This conclusion comes from one of the longest studies of human behavior on record, initiated at UC Berkley in the 1920’s. Nearly 200 individuals were interviewed in detail every decade about their lives, health, etc. This data is unique because of its longevity, detail and deep insight into real lives.

“Giving reduces mortality significantly in later life, even when you start late. This new study comes from Doug Oman of UC Berkley. Oman has followed almost 2000 individuals over the age of 55 for five years. Those who volunteer for two or more organizations have an impressive 44% lower likelihood of dying—and that’s after sifting out every other contributing factor, including physical health, exercise, gender, smoking, marital status and much more. That reduction in mortality is truly impressive considering it is stronger than that associated with mobility (39%), exercising four times/week (30%), or attendance at religious services (29%). The only activity with a slightly higher effect is to stop smoking (which reduces mortality by 49%).” (p.8)

Other findings conclude that giving reduces adolescent depression and suicide risk. This is especially important for boys, who are more at risk; girls generally are more giving and reap the benefits accordingly.

One of the most fascinating conclusions to come from the research shown in this book is this: Giving is more powerful than receiving in reducing mortality. The old saw that “It is better to give than to receive” is actually borne out by the data! Whether you are praying for others or helping them through emotional difficulties, your benefit will exceed that of those who receive your attentions.

And, it feels good to help others.

“The helper’s high’ was named by Allen Luks as far back as 1988. A full 50% of helpers reported feeling ‘high’ when they helped others, while 43% felt stronger and more energetic. An astonishing 13% even experienced fewer aches and pains.” (p. 10)
“Helping others increases your sense of control and counteracts low self-esteem.” (p.11)

If you don’t know where to begin a life of giving, the authors talk about four domains in which you can give (Family, Friends, Community and Humanity) and 10 different ways you can give, which correlate with your personality.

There are tests included in the book associated with each of the ten ways to give, and you can find or measure your own style of giving by taking the tests and seeing which style most suits you.

The ten ways of giving are: Celebration, Generativity, Forgiveness, Courage, Humor, Respect, Compassion, Loyalty, Listening, and Creativity. The book abounds in stories that give you inspiring examples of how each style looks and feels, and how you can begin right now, right where you are, to add more to your life by adding to others’ lives.

Perhaps all you need to do is Listen to someone so they feel heard, seen and validated. It’s not a small thing—and it might be your special gift to others—your ability to listen deeply to them and ‘just be’ with them so they feel more alive.

For me, daily life is filled with individual interactions; we ‘collide’ with others like pinballs (or quantum particles) every day. Are the others enhanced (happier, more cheerful, inspired) because they encountered us? That’s the one question I ask myself; “Was our interaction a blessing for that person?”

By keeping that intention bright within myself, I can be more Present, more giving every moment, for each person I meet. If I’m not being a blessing at this moment, perhaps it will wake me up to do better the next moment of this day. (Don’t we always know when we might have done better?)

This could be the easiest, most pleasant practice you could add to your life—the REAL secret to creating a long, happy, healthy life.

Perhaps the Torah said it best: “If I am not for myself, who will be? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?”

Do you meditate? Whatever technique you are using, do you find that you can get to the place of no thought? Reaching this place of peace is the aim of meditation; having a still mind is the ultimate gift which allows us to rest in the silence of the Infinite Present.

As you know, I teach high school in a women’s prison. Every morning we center—that is, we pay attention to our heartbeat and breathing for about 5-10 minutes. This practice has helped our students to reach a calm and peaceful place and it helps us to begin our day in peace, right here in the midst of emotional turmoil and physical ugliness.

Recently, I noticed that I was not using a beautiful Tibetan singing bowl made of brass which my sister gave me a few years ago. It was sitting on a table as a decoration.

I realized that this bowl was made by a centuries-old traditional process to help the monks of Tibet to meditate and achieve high states of peace. Could this singing bowl do its magic in the prison setting? I decided to find out.

Last week I brought the bowl in and told the women that we would try it out and see how they liked the sound of it. A few people don’t like the pulsating, high tone the bowl makes and they don’t stay and listen. But others are put almost immediately into a very calm state—as I am when I’m making the bowl ‘sing’ with a wooden stick that I run around the rim of the bowl after I’ve tapped it twice to make it vibrate.

My experience is that, when I am hearing the tone produced by the bowl, all my thoughts are erased and in the silence, there is only the Tone and peace. Several of the women reported that this was true for them as well. Two of them wrote the following comments:

“I think of it as the most soothing instrument I’ve ever heard. It reminds me of the heavenly harp.” J.J.

“I like the bell for my morning meditation. It helps to clear my mind of everything and it is a big help to get my day off to a good start. I am so relaxed after my meditation! I recommend it to everyone.” B.F.

In all the months we have been centering here at the prison, I have never seen such a peaceful state achieved by our group as we have reached with the Tibetan singing bowl.

The other day, I came into school in a rushed state of mind and began the meditation with the bowl. No matter how I tried to get it to sing, as long as my own state was not peaceful, it would only produce a feeble sound. I had to get my own state under control before I could make the bowl ‘sing’.

Once I became calm, a beautiful tone came out of the bowl—a quick confirmation of how my own tension or calm affects the bowl—after all, it rests in my hand!

How powerfully we all affect one another and the world around us, even ‘inanimate objects’ like a brass bowl!

Do you get very nervous before you have a test of any kind? Do you sweat, become fidgety and tense? When you get to the test, do you ‘go blank’ and forget all the work you had studied so diligently?

You probably have test anxiety; this has no doubt affected every aspect of your life in school and also can decrease your effectiveness every day at work because of the pressures there to ‘perform’. What can you do about it?

Recently, here in the prison, one of my students exhibited test anxiety every time she had a math test, to the point where she would cry and be ‘trembly’ during the test. Obviously, facing a test was a form of torture for her and she didn’t do very well on the exams.

Part of the problem for her was that she didn’t want to let her father down and disappoint him again by doing poorly on the math test. Of course, this is a cumulative problem: once you fail, it becomes part of the baggage you carry to the next test, and so on, until you become paralyzed and totally ineffective whenever you have to face an exam.

B. was the second one of my students to have this problem; I have asked her to tell you in her own words how she conquered this fear. I watched her take a test yesterday without any anxiety—she went through the whole exam calmly and was actually happy when it was done! This is a BIG change! She writes:

“Having test anxiety was terrible. For 8 months I would study and would understand what I was taught, but as soon as I came in and sat down to take a test, I felt like the whole world was going to crumble. I would upset my father, myself and the ones around me. I would cry; those tears of fear were never-ending. Anxiety was for me a door I couldn’t open to go through.

I learned that I needed to take time for myself to find peace. I came to a point where I was determined to overcome this fear, so for 3-4 days I spent 3 hours each day relaxing my mind (centering no matter what came up–Ayesha), feeling all the fears I had inside and if I needed to cry, then I cried. Whatever I was feeling I had to feel to move forward.

I would sit outside by myself and center in a peaceful place. I sat there until my mind was at peace—no thoughts, no fears—I could just hear my heartbeat. I knew on the 4th day that I would be OK at taking tests.

I still plan to center by myself every day and in class—it really opens doors for you.” BNF

If you take Centering seriously—that is, you keep at it until you can achieve a quiet mind—you will experience the total peace and power at the very center of your being that has been waiting for you to discover it.

Today, B told me she was feeling achy and tired. I assured her that this was normal. After we release and feel the many fears and anxieties we have been harboring inside our bodies, the toxins that were tied up in the body due to this stress will be released in order to be eliminated. This can produce a Detoxification reaction—fatigue, aches, even a headache can be part of this detox stage. The best way to weather this cleansing process is to rest and drink a LOT of water, preferably with a little lemon juice to help the detox proceed. This is NOT an illness—this is the body’s way to keep your systems clear of substances produced by prolonged stress.

Within a few days, you will feel marvelous—you will have released the toxins associated with constant anxiety states and your body will feel more energized and ‘clear’.

What if you have a very busy schedule and can’t spend 3 hours a day for 3-4 days? You can try to use the Byron Katie Work sheets to root out the toxic beliefs that create stress for you and work them through. THEN center and feel the residues of these beliefs as they clear out.

What we feel, we can heal. Just Center (see archives under this category for techniques) and allow the feelings to surface without reacting to them; telling yourself why you should feel angry/sad/hurt/whatever only cements these feelings into your body again! Just sit quietly and let the feelings go through your body. Cry if you need to, but don’t start retelling yourself the ‘story’ you have about it—just watch it dissipate as you feel it.

You’re on your way to freedom!

Sometimes we are so focused on achieving enlightenment, we don’t recognize it when it shows up! Recently, in the blog “How do you know if you love yourself?” (see March 1 archives) I listed some factors that help you perceive when you have arrived at the state of peace (a lower form of enlightenment) in your life.

The absence of comparison in my life—I no longer compare myself to anyone else with respect to anything in my life— has been the MOST liberating factor in finding my own peace, I believe.

When I studied with Jerry Stocking, an excellent teacher (see
www.achoiceexperience.com for more information) he outlined for our class the developmental stages in our culture. He said that human beings go through 5 stages in their spiritual development:

1. Individual
2. Comparative
3. Cultural
4. Quantitative
5. Absolute

In the Individual stage, which optimally should last from birth to about 10 years of age, the individual measures all things by her own standards—there’s only YOU in your world. You are the measure of all things. Everything you learn is for the first time. You discover music, nature, the alphabet as if it is the first time on Earth…there is no other to compare yourself to. You are the center of your universe.

If you watch very young children at play, you will see this at work—they don’t really cooperate—the other children present are not their concern—their activity is.

At this stage, the main dichotomy we are working on is Satisfaction vs Dissatisfaction. We apparently take a stand on this state of mind early in our lives (I chose Dissatisfaction, of course!) and it tends to show up for the rest of our time here—unless we notice it and learn to become Satisfied by ourselves, with no outside input.

Do YOU know how to create Satisfaction for yourself, without ANYTHING outside contributing? When you can do this, you have it made in life—you don’t NEED anything outside yourself in order to feel content: No TV, no books, phone calls, movies, shopping, food, sex, job, hobby, whatever. You are complete in yourself.

Why are so few of us like this? Because, early in our lives, we were thrown into Comparative—the next stage– WAY too early.

I remember the day my older daughter felt the sting of comparison. I watched as she was amazed and a little dismayed to find out that my visiting friend’s son could read the alphabet. I had not begun to teach her this—she was only about 2 years old! However, when my friend boasted about her son, I watched with some anguish while my daughter—previously happy as a clam— clearly felt one-down!!

Before this day, I had always praised her for herself—never compared her to anyone—and wasn’t too happy to see this comparison process at work on her tiny ego. I told her that it didn’t matter about Stephen’s ‘reading’ abilities, etc, but she had been infected and I couldn’t do much to reverse it. When was the first time YOU realized that someone else was better at something than you were?

Jerry asked us, as part of our course, to spend a whole day without external input to see how to create satisfaction solely in our own company and without ‘toys’ or distractions. It was eye-opening!! At first, I felt a sort of panic—“Oh, no—I’ll be bored out of my mind!” I thought.

For about an hour, I WAS bored and—dissatisfied. This felt very familiar. I realized that I had chosen the Dissatisfaction mode of the dichotomy as a way of life. This shows up as a hunger for something other than what is happening right now—some activity, some distraction, some input from a source outside myself.

I realized that all my life I had been a slave to the outside world—people, books, whatever– because I was not complete and OK all by myself. I had to learn to create Satisfaction by myself, now as an adult. This is an interesting process.

First you notice how satisfied you are at any moment. Then you create higher satisfaction by willing it or having gratitude for what is happening right now. Gratitude for what IS now is the easiest path to satisfaction. Then you have to make this a habit!

In Jerry’s course, we had to practice being satisfied as often as possible in order to complete the Individual stage. When you have completed Individual, you are ready to compare yourself to others, because within yourself, you are OK, no matter what. YOU are in charge of your satisfaction. You can then compete full tilt without fear of losing your sense of self-worth, no matter who ‘wins’ the current game.

In our culture, we send kids off to day school WAY before they have completed Individual, so most Americans live in Comparative—which is to say, by comparing themselves to others ALL THE TIME—and coming up short most of the time. Just the act of comparing sets us up to judge ourselves and others. “Well, I’m better-looking/richer/smarter/whatever than X but not as pretty/rich/smart/whatever as Y”.

This goes on in our head all day long—is it any wonder we’re not happy as individuals? We can’t be #1 in our own world because we’re constantly finding our place in some imaginary pecking order—and we are the very harshest of judges when it comes to ourselves.

Until we become the source of our own satisfaction, the outside world owns us and governs our moods. Completing the Individual phase of our lives is the Best work we can do as it leaves us free to be content every moment.

I believe this (completing Individual at last) is what has been happening for me over the last few months; finally, the cloudiness of self-judgment based on comparisons with others cleared up and I was free!

Ever since I stopped comparing myself to others, my world has been a happy and peaceful place.

To complete YOUR Individual phase at last, first NOTICE your level of Satisfaction periodically during the day. Then, INCREASE it through gratitude for what is. Repeat until you feel secure that your satisfaction depends ONLY on YOU.

I’ll meet you there!

How many times have you seen two people in a heated argument about something? How many times have you heard someone complain about the behavior of another person? We spend a lot of time thinking about (and judging) other people! It’s our hobby.

So much of our daily conversation is about how much we see in others that we think they should change, isn’t it? “If only X would shape up”, we think. Or maybe, “If only they listened to me…” they could become happier, healthier and wiser. Then we hope that the person we’re talking to agrees with us.

Is it true? Do we really know better what someone else needs to do in their life?

For many years, I have thought that I knew what other people should or could do to ‘better’ their lives. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes not—but I love to give advice, don’t you? After all, I’ve done a lot of work on myself that has changed my life for the better—I want to share that information.

Being a Life Coach and former Avatar® Master, I have all the training and certifications to justify my assessment of another person’s problem, and I know that I have been useful to many people, but lately, working in a prison, I see that it is necessary for me to wait until someone asks me for advice before I say something to them, even if it is plain as day what is needed. They have to ask first.

Do you wait for others to ask you before you enlighten them as to what they should do differently?

Part of the problem, I think, is that, as children, our parents tell us what to do constantly, so that we learn how to fit into our culture. Then, we grow up and have our own children who need to be ‘raised’ and civilized so they fit in. Advice and ‘suggestions’ become the content of our daily interactions. “Did you put your sweater on before you went out?” “Have you done your homework yet? You have a test tomorrow.” ….and so on. We generously include our spouses in our circle of affectionate care in the form of suggestion and advice—naturally. We don’t wait to be asked, do we?

I know that I used to think that if I wasn’t worrying about my children, I didn’t care enough about them. We get so used to thinking of our children as vulnerable that we can continue to worry about them long past the time when they truly needed all of our attention and protection. Can we love them deeply and let them make their own choices?

My own daughters are grown women of competence and substance, yet I can be seduced into worrying about them, as if I had the power to change things for them and make them better. Short of sending them a million dollars each, I can’t think of much I can do for them except be their true friend—which means respecting their choices, listening with all my attention when they call me and loving them no matter what they do.

Do I care desperately about the health and well-being of my daughters? You bet. AND I need to wait for them to ask me if they want my advice.

This is especially important to realize if you are in prison—very often my students cannot ‘be there’ physically for their children. One of my students wrote this about her situation:

“I was talking to my 17 year old daughter the other day and the subject of her losing weight came up. She explained to me that her doctor referred her to a clinic for a diet plan. She told me she started her diet 3 days ago, and she is just now realizing just how much she had been eating. While trying to give her some support as her parent, I explained to her that eating is an addiction just like any other addiction and should not be treated lightly.

I also explained to her that it takes 21 days to break a habit. She told me that she is noticing a “huge void” in the place that used to be filled with eating, that was making it even more difficult for her to stop eating. I had a sudden revelation to tell her to replace that “void” with a good habit, because just as it takes 21 days to break a habit, it also takes 21 days to form a habit. I told her that whenever she has the urge to eat, to get up and go for a walk, or go swimming or do some kind of activity other than eating, and that would help her to fill that void, and form a healthy habit to replace her unhealthy ones.

I feel really good about the advice I gave to my daughter, which is about all I can do for her since I am unable to be there for her physically.”   (Laurie A.)
That’s really good advice—and because her daughter asked her, she will no doubt listen better and apply the wisdom given to her own life.

Walking the line between care and control is a fine art, especially in relationships—and many of us cross the line into trying to control others much too often!

Byron Katie in her Work, says that it is NOT our business what another adult person says and does—our business is what WE do and think. What would we think about if we weren’t judging others or worrying about them? There would be a void in our minds and we wouldn’t think so much; there might be chunks of silence in our head…uh oh—what then? We are so addicted to thinking, aren’t we?

The 21-day rule for breaking a habit applies here, too. If we are addicted to worrying about and judging others, what healthy practice could we replace that addiction with?

Centering would be high on my list, but almost anything that occupies our minds other than judging or worrying will do—maybe learning a new language or skill could distract us and funnel our attention away from judging/worrying.

What can we put in place of judgment of another? Well, we could look at ourselves first…very often the very trait that we are annoyed by in another is exactly what we have to work on ourselves.

What IS our business? What WE do, think and say. OUR thoughts, OUR words, OUR actions—that’s plenty to monitor, don’t you think? If we’re doing our job, being in our proper business, we have no time or space in our minds for judgments about others and our consequent inner dialogues about them.

It would take only 21 days of noticing this habit of being in another’s business to break ourselves of it and substitute self-awareness as the new ‘good habit’ to install.

Ready, set, go!